The next week, however, he forgot that he was again supposed to come to my house. He phoned me from his office instead, when he realized his error. I don't remember the details of what we talked about on the phone, just that I was disappointed.
The third week, he came back to my house, made a cursory tour of my house with me to point out safety hazards (blocked exits, stairways, hallways) and then announced that he couldn't help me any more. He said that he felt my friend Elaine's volunteer help -- helping me stay focused on my cleanup task and providing advice where needed -- was what I needed, and he couldn't provide that. He offered to apply for funding to have some entity come in to haul away my excess stuff after I had decided what to keep and what to dispose of. I am physically able to take things away. My problem is that I become overwhelmed and am easily distracted when I approach any decluttering or organizing project. I need help DECIDING what to take away -- not help with TAKING IT AWAY.
I tried to tell him that I didn't want to be a burden to my friend -- she was helping on a volunteer basis and had other responsibilities to take care of -- a job, a husband, and a daughter. She has warned me that she will only help as long as she sees me making progress. I appreciate her help, but making progress is often very difficult for me. I don't want to lose her friendship. I'm trying to do as much on my own as possible.
Thomas said that if Elaine and Kathy could no longer help, I could call him back. But he needed to focus his efforts on clients whose health and safety were impacted by their hoarding. (Mine isn't?) And he could only help me by providing funding for hauling stuff away.
Thanks, but no thanks...
So much for Thomas's offer to "change my brain, change my life." He had said that he could use the same strategies to help me bridge the gulf between my daughter and me. He said the gulf wouldn't just go away with decluttering. I needed to change my brain... But how do I change my brain? Thomas never answered that question.
Kathy, my OT, wasn't surprised that Thomas's initial offer of help had fizzled out. She had encountered Thomas in working with another one of her clients. He had flaked out on them, too, after raising that person's hopes for change.
(Thomas is young, attractive and can be very charming. He was not at all charming on his last visit. I felt that he had fired me.)
Kathy's helpful suggestions
Kathy's time with me is limited -- usually one hour every week or two -- but she usually has concrete suggestions to help me. I have had trouble dealing with several stacks of papers, for instance. She had me try to deal with as much of the stack as I could in 10 minutes. I was actually able to make headway. The problem is just getting started. And it helps to have someone here with me to help me stay on task.
At other times, she has helped me break down a mess into small parts, which made them easier to tackle.
During her last visit, I showed Kathy the daunting task I was currently confronting: How to make room in my basement so that my daughter and her partner could store some of their furniture for the next year. It looked impossible, but Kathy suggested that I send a bunch of my stuff off to a local charity -- they will send out a truck to pick up large items. She helped me write up a list of large items to dispose of and then she had me phone to schedule the pickup while she was there.
By letting go of these items (which had included some of the items I failed to sell at the garage sale), I was able to make room for my daughter and her partner to move in a single bed, two dressers, and assorted other items. I had to sort and clean other things in the basement as well, so it was a week-long effort -- but very successful in the end. I sent off about five bookcases, one large lateral filing cabinet, one large mirror, a garden hose caddy, and other items. I had to get rid of linens and clothes to make room in my shelves and bins for other items. I moved about a dozen or more empty bins into the garage. If I find I don't need them elsewhere in the house, I will donate those to a charity.
In the weeks since Thomas fired me, I have had both successes and failures. The work is often extremely slow, and I become stalled at times. I still become quite overwhelmed. My psychiatrist has increased my Sertraline (antidepressant) dosage from 50 mg per day to 200 mg. He has also increased the prescription for Concerta, an medication for Attention Deficit Disorder. My brain seems to be working better, but I am having frequent problems with intestinal problems. On some days, I have spent all day lying on the sofa in pain, not hungry or wanting to eat. I am losing weight, and most of my pants won't stay at my waist.
I needed to lose weight, and now I seem to have lost about four pant sizes. However, I am not trying to lose weight. And I am not sure whether the weight loss signals another health problem. I have made an appointment with my general practitioner.
I have tried not to call on my friend Elaine's physical presence too much -- she has limited time and I don't want to be a burden -- but I have been emailing her and talking with her to tell her what I'm doing and get her suggestions. Also, my friend Diane (from second grade) offered to provide guidance from affair. On good days, I try to send them my to-do list and then report back to them on my progress. I may post some of these interchanges to fill in the gaps in this blog. Even writing emails can be time consuming, and Facebook and other Internet wonders have a way of distracting me from my clean-up duties.
Neatness is not a habit for me
My living room, dining room and kitchen, despite my ongoing work, are still pretty messy. They have fewer things in them, but they still contain too many things in them. I find it very difficult to put things away, no matter how hard I try. There are always seemingly more important and urgent things to do.
