Catching up...

I have slacked off on blogging for the last few days, but I can now see that the blogging really helps me stay focused. My friend Elaine, who has been helping me some, has been away for several days, so I had the chance to try to do things on my own -- an essential goal. Blogging also helps reinforce the learning that happens as I work on decluttering and fighting my compulsive need to reacquire.

"A place for everything and everything in its place"

A problem that I have is deciding on a specific place for each thing, remembering where that place is and remaining consistent in storing that thing in its place. I struggle with that almost all the time.

Confession 1: For the most part, I have been good at managing my urge to reacquire. HOWEVER, I did make one typical overpurchase during the last few days. I bought about 40 shoebox-sized plastic bins to use in sorting my computer parts and shoes, and I don't regret my purchase. The boxes have worked out very well. I can imagine my daughter, friends, and mental health care workers rolling their eyes right now.  Hoarders love plastic containers and bins, and I have a true "hoard" of them. I'll post photos later to show how I have used these containers. 

Confession 2: I have kept a schedule some days and completely lapsed into chaos and bad practices on others. My sleep specialist, as well as just about everyone else in the world, would like for me to maintain a structured sleep-wake cycle for my own well-being and mental fitness. My mind doesn't tame so easily. 

Bad habit 1:  Poor sleep hygiene. This is the term the doctors use, and I hate it. It sounds like I am sleeping in a garbage pit, but it just means that I sleep and wake at different times almost every day.

Bad habit 2: Playing Solitaire or Sudoku on the computer. I don't know how to stop once I start. This seems like an innocent pleasure until 10 minutes of Solitaire turns into several hours of  Solitaire and gets in the way of a good night's sleep. How can I turn off the compulsive need to play one more game? (Luckily, I have no interest in gambling. My religious upbringing abhors gambling. I don't even play Bingo or buy lottery tickets.)

Bad habit 3: I may go without watching tv for weeks, and then watch episode after episode of a drama series downloaded from from Netflix in one night. Last night, I watched five episodes of The Forsyte Saga, Season 1. How can I parent myself to stop doing this? 

Background Noise (Emotion)

I adore my daughter and her partner. They light up my life. She announced a couple of months ago that they are planning to move to the BIG CITY, a frantic, nerve-wracking 75-minute drive over a scary freeway from this nice, quiet, family-friendly town. They have been living about a mile from me during the past two years. 

Of course, they are a very busy young couple as it is, and I rarely get to see them. My daughter says that that not seeing me often is somewhat my fault. She calls me a social butterfly. However, most of my friends my age, who are also mothers, know the real truth -- we often busy ourselves with social activities to try to fill the void left by the adult children when they have no time for their parents. We would drop our plans in an instant, for the most part, to spend some quality time with our adult children. 

My daughter will one day understand this, but probably not until she has adult children of her own. Right now, the two of them just have three cats. I call them my grand cats, and I miss the chance to spend time with them, too.

I, too, have lived in the BIG CITY, the place where my daughter grew up. However, it was always TOO BIG for me. A trip across town could take an hour or two in rush-hour traffic, especially when one is a nervous driver, like me, who avoids the scary freeway.

My beloved daughter is slipping away from me. That leaves me sad and feeling somewhat abandoned -- just as I did when she moved away for university and the BIG CITY at other times. It will be difficult to just drop by her place in the BIG CITY. I will have to brave the scary freeway or take the bus and city transit. (Luckily, I have 16 years of experience with the transit system, but it does complicate visits.)

I also worry that the move will damage the couple's relationship. Is her partner, a smaller town sort of guy, going to adjust to life in the BIG CITY? I feel a great affinity for both her partner and his parents: I am hoping this guy is THE ONE. He is a nice guy, and he will be good to her. That is important for her future.

Fear of new losses, frustration that I have no power to prevent them... 

One of my friends, a former teacher of mine from high school days, suggested that my hoarding was a "physical statement about the poverty of loss."

When my husband of 25 years left me eight to 10 years ago (He left and came home dozens of times.) prompted an emotional breakdown in me. The strong mother and wife because the nonfunctional maniac. I hurt and scared my daughter during this horrific time of my life. I was no longer the dependable mom that she could depend on. 

My hoarding, as a sign that I am not completely functioning, probably scares, exasperates and angers my daughter. I understand that, and I wish it were within my control to fix the problem. I am now actively, vociferously, courageously and fearfully reaching out for help, but she still doesn't feel comfortable in journeying with me through this battle. I had asked her to at least come over, now and then, to socialize with me -- or work on her own projects -- while I wage my battle. She refuses, and I feel anger, sadness, frustration, fear and loss.

I know that I need to build a world that doesn't depend on my daughter -- but isn't mutual dependence part of what a family is all about? I know that independence also must be there, too. But there must also be relationship -- journeying through suffering together to survive in this world.