This is hard! No wonder I feel overwhelmed!

Confession 1 - I am a Solitaire addict

I've just deleted Solitaire from my iPad. I have an addiction to it... This seemed my only recourse. I was losing too much time and energy to Solitaire. I need to delete it from my other devices for my own sanity.

This was just one thing that has gotten in the way of my decluttering work over the past week.

Confession 2 - I routinely overcommit my time and talents

I also committed another particularly me-like sin since my last post: I overcommitted myself -- again! I inherited a somewhat Type A personality (softened by the antidepressant, but not totally suppressed). However, I haven't been a superwoman since my teenage years -- if I was so even then. In my mind, I was. However, that may have just been an illusion.

A week ago I followed through on a promise, as a beginner videographer, to video dress rehearsals and two performances of a local youth musical production. This was time-consuming, stressful and exhausting, and now I've learned that it was probably against copyright to record the performances at all. I'll figure a way out of this, but I don't know my path yet. The effort exhausted me, and I took several days to recover.  Unfortunately, my video cameras, tripods, memory cards, batteries, cables, and power cords are still somewhat of a jumble. I know that I need to organize them in some useful way, but I don't know exactly what I need to do.

Gains and losses

In the past 10 days, I have taken away another two loads of things and sent away bins of stuff for recycling and landfilling.

Despite this effort, my house has again descended into chaos -- even the decluttered kitchen and semi-decluttered living room. I have engaged in more of the churning activity that is typical of hoarders.

My treasure trove of plastic bins stayed on my balcony for several days, collecting rainwater and tree pollen (to which I am allergic). I have washed them AGAIN and begun moving them to space I have created in my basement, where I plan to use them for sorting and storing hardware and computer parts. (The computer parts are now almost all in the basement, mostly sorted, and most of my music is now back in the living room/dining room.)

Reality shock - the money factor!

Last Tuesday, I visited my financial advisor for a reassessment of my investment risk. That part of the visit was routine. However, I have involved Myrna in my concern about my compulsive spending habits. Her advice to me was direct, though compassionate. If I don't find a job to supplement my current meagre sporadic income, then I must find some way to limit my monthly spending to $2,000 or less per month. Or else I will run out of money before I die. This means a major cutback in spending.

I am not "poor." The problem is that I have been blessed with affluence. However, I need to realize that my circumstances have changed, and my spending needs to change to reflect that reality.

I knew this news was coming -- I had been worrying about it for the past year. I have attended two "Living on Less" courses at a local Anglican church to try to reprogram my mindset toward spending. I am doing better, but I need to do MUCH BETTER. I am hoping that Thomas is able to help me change my brain to fix this problem.

My mental health advisors want me to get my house in better shape before I again start looking seriously for a job. They feel it would HELP my job search effort if my home were less chaotic. My clutter problem was getting worse because looking for work and worrying about money was overloading my naturally anxious brain.

Because of a nice inheritance from my parents (nice, but possibly not enough for my spending habits over the rest of my life), I don't qualify for most government disability support because of my mental health problems. I want to work, and I feel I have skills to offer -- but I am having trouble finding work. Has my mood disorder become severe enough to become THE BARRIER to employment -- or is it just my age (61) and job-hunting methods? I have attended several job-hunting courses provided by local agencies.

The government has raised the retirement age to 67 -- and I would genuinely like to work till I am 67. However, for people to work until they are 67, business needs to be willing to hire older workers -- as well as people with minor disabilities. I believe my mood disorder, in regards to work, is minor in its affect on my employers, but I'm not sure they share my view of the matter. I feel very frustrated.

I am not a 'flake' 

Perhaps this is why I overcommit to volunteer activities I know I can do. However, my desire to succeed prompted me to spend several hundred dollars to purchase additional video supplies for my volunteer effort. I should have turned down the volunteer post, since it was stressful and took away from my decluttering effort, but I was concerned about appearing like a "flake" to the show directors.

The man who hired me straight out of journalism school, when I was a young woman of 24, told me, years ago, that one of my references had told him that I was a flake, "but I hired you anyway." Under his tutelage, I won a number of writing awards and honours, including the chance to come to Canada on a Rotary fellowship. I am deeply grateful to him, even now, for giving me a chance to show my worth.

I am easily distracted, but I am not a flake. I am intelligent, I work hard, and I usually do just fine.

Myrna has me working on a budget and collecting information about a possible source of income. I will meet with my accountant about my tax returns on Wednesday. I am not through my money hell yet, but at least I am beginning to face reality.